Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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