I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
