Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
