actually, I'm a sock model
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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