and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
as a side note pls kill me
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