Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
