When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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