Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
