Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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