...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
