just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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