Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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