I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
