Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
