i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
