a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
