I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
