I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
