i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.