The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
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you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.