I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
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I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?