Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
