there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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