I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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