Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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