I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
