FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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