My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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