I am midnight drunk by noon
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
