get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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