The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
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And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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