I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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