Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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