I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
