my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
