i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
