No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
