Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
