If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
