Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
