using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
