Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK