hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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