Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
