my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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