I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
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Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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