You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
