hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
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I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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