mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
