Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
