life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
