Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
