omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
